These are the last days, right?
I have been asking God a lot lately if I'm really supposed to be writing. I have also asked him to help me stop obsessing about writing and about getting published. I told him I surrendered it to him. If it isn't his will for me to write, then show me that.
Well, the last few weeks have been really hard. My computer died. We had to buy a new one. I've exhausted all possible publishers for my book except one, and that one changed their guidelines so that my book no longer qualifies. I can't go to a writer's conference this year to make new contacts with publishers. It seems doors have closed but none have opened. Is God trying to tell me something?
Then, last Thursday I was supposed to participate in an online chat about my newest book. When I tried to log into the chat room, I couldn't get in. My new computer refused to download the appropriate software. I tried and tried and for no apparent reason it just wouldn't work. I got so upset. I realized I was going to miss the chat completely. I started crying hysterically. I decided nobody wanted me to write, including God. I had wasted hours--no, days--no YEARS--of my life writing and striving for this elusive goal that seemed completely out of my control.
I went to bed early that night, so depressed that I wasn't sure I would ever write again. Maybe writing wasn't what God wanted me to do. Maybe I could serve God better if I went back to doing what I did before I started writing: Scrapbooking my kids' photos and experimenting with new recipes. (Oooo, I lived an exciting life, didn't I?)
That night I went to bed more depressed than I'd been in a long time. I prayed until I fell asleep. Then, in the middle of the night I dreamed that God wrote me a message that suddenly appeared on the cup I was holding. The message said that I was supposed to write, that God wanted me to keep writing. Then another message appeared, saying essentially the same thing. In the dream I was very excited and happy, not just that God said he wanted me to keep writing, but happy because God had answered my question and sent me a message.
When I woke up I was surprised I'd been dreaming. The dream had seemed so real and vivid. But I still felt as though God had spoken to me, and I instantly went back to sleep, feeling thoroughly happy.
The next morning I told my husband about the dream, and he said he believed it was from God. I kept thinking of that verse in the Bible, "In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." Acts 2:17. Well, I'm not an old man, but I think the point is that God will inspire us and will do things through the Spirit in our spirits. Because if there's ever to be "last days" I think this has to be it.
Anyway, I praise God that he gave me some assurance.